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The following is Chapter Two of There’s Nothing Common About Making Sense. Before I get into Chapter Two:

The most important thing you need to know is this blog presents excerpts from my work “There’s Nothing Common About Making Sense” – which is a collection of observations and questions based upon years of observing many random acts of kindness and just as many random acts of stupidity.  

This blog is about human behavior and common elements of our lives that just don’t make sense to me.  No one is safe.  No topic off limits.  And I don’t mean to offend anyone in particular, but if I do, please understand I don’t care.

For a full introduction to this work please see my first blog post titled “And So it Begins”

Enjoy….

CHAPTER TWO

“NO…WE DON’T HAVE GRANDKIDS!!”

Warning – if you do not have children you can skip to Chapter 3.  But if you have friends who have children you might want to read this in the event it comes up.

Inevitably you will run into someone you have not seen in many years.  Someone that is not connected to you on some social media platform that you knew when your children were little.

And without exception after they say “Hello” and “I can’t believe it has been so long!!!” – the number 3 line will be:

“So do you have grandkids?”

This is one of the most common opening lines when seeing an acquaintance that just makes no sense.

Hot Wife and I do not have grandkids.  And I have lost count at the number of times we have both been asked this question within the first 3 minutes of a conversation with an old aquaintance.

One time I responded – “All my kids are dead!!”  

But then I realized that was not funny and was not good for overall family Karma so I apologized and promised God I would never say it again!!  It really was stupid.

Look here –  I am so happy for all of my friends and family that have grand children. Without exception those little buggers have been the best thing that has happened to every Grand Parent that I know.  And I really enjoy being a part of their joy!!  I takes me back to when our children were babies – which was a time of joy, panic, chaos, comfort and love.

But why do people need to lead with that question??  Perhaps someone’s child is not able to have children or – here it comes – doesn’t want to be a parent!!  It really is ok.  

Perhaps that question is asked out of social anxiety and it is the only thing that comes to mind. Lets face it – thanks to social media, texting, and other digital forms of communication the art of the conversation is dead.  So perhaps people just don’t have a good number 3 question.

So here are a list of questions you might want to ask to keep the awkward, somewhat surprising conversation going and avoid the grandkid question – followed by some questions to end the conversation quickly if you really don’t like the person:

If you like the person and want to spend a few minutes genuinely getting an update on their life try these number 3 questions:

• Wow – you don’t age – how do you do it?
• How is (insert Spouse Name)? – if you remember spouse name.  Careful with this one at the rate of divorce and sexual orientation transition in our cultre.
• How are your parents?  This one is dicey as the parents may have died – and then it might turn into a long condolence based conversation.
• How is everyone in the family doing and where are they living?  – Careful this gets you to the grandkid question – but provides a delay to “question 3” if you want to invoke the quick exit option detailed below.

If you either don’t like the person, or you don’t have time to spend catching up with someone that is generally ok but you don’t have interest in seeing them again, try these number 3 questions:

• I can’t remember who told me they saw you but they told me you got heavy?
• It’s fun getting older isn’t it?
• (This is very effective if you shared a common religious past)  – I haven’t seen you in (church, synagogue, mosque) service, do you still practice your faith?

Or – just invoke the tried and true number 3 question:

“It is good to see you, I have an appointment I am going to be later for (fill in the blank), I assume you are on social so I will find you ok and we will catch up??

This only works if you go on the offensive and say this first – followed by – “Good to see you!”

And then keep moving!!!

To My Loyal Reader:

Kind of presumptuous of me isn’t it??  

You haven’t scrolled down in this blog yet and I am calling you loyal.  Before I get to the actual material there are a few things that need to be mentioned.

The most important thing you need to know is there are no answers in this book. Only observations and questions.  Over the years I have witnessed many random acts of kindness and just as many random acts of stupidity.  The results are depicted in the following pages.

This book is about human behavior and common elements of our lives that just don’t make sense to me.  No one is safe.  No topic off limits.  And I don’t mean to offend anyone in particular, but if I do, please understand I don’t care.

And if you feel compelled to rant on some platform about the contents of this blog I guarantee my response will be to quote the legendary Sergeant Hulka from the movie Stripes – “Lighten up Francis!!”

Come to think of it this is a very common phrase that was way ahead of its time. Francis can be male, female, or whatever someone wants to be. It can be Francis, Francisco, Francesca, Frankie and the ultimate one name fits all modern day genders – Fran.  

But I digress. 

I do hope you enjoy this work.  It is the culmination of many years of observing this crazy, diverse, interesting and ever changing world we live in – and the many crazy, somewhat diverse, and definitely interesting people that surround us all.

May God grant you health and happiness – sorry no refunds for any atheist that got to this point.  I can’t help it I grew up Catholic and went to Catholic school – which means I invoke God a lot, rarely go to Church as an adult, can’t spell worth a lick, and my grammar sucks.  

But not to worry my editors are great so you won’t find a ton of gramtical errors in the following pages. If you do please point them out so I can give them a hard time.

And finally, I am not going to do the common thing of thanking everyone that got me to this point as it makes no sense.  You don’t know them and you really don’t care so why mention my supporting cast by name.  They know who they are, they are loved, and know that I would not be able to do this without them.

So…lets get after it shall we??

CHAPTER ONE

Not Everyone Loves Your Dog

Lets face it. Dogs are everywhere. 

They are on leashes, in strollers, in grocery stores, on airplanes, in front car seats, rear truck seats, hotel rooms, restaurants, cafes, c-stores…I could go on and on.

Dogs are very common.  But dog owners thinking everyone loves their pooch as much as they do makes no sense!!

And don’t get me wrong I love dogs.  If a puppy walks down my street I am like a human puppy rolling around on the ground playing, petting and scratching ears!! Whoever owns the puppy tries to never walk past my home again.  Funny thing is the dog tends to pull them around the corner toward the house if I am outside putzing around in the yard.

And lets face it – Men are dogs.  Which means I love to hump my hot wife’s leg any chance I get. Lets just say it isn’t a turn on for her but if a dog can do it why cant I??  I love it, and she is hot.  It was this simple show of affection that caused her to utter the words “Men are Dogs”.  Not saying I disagree but I cant be a dog as I can’t lick my balls. As much Yoga as I do – and we will touch on Yoga later in this book – I just can’t get there.

But back to Dogs.  I am sure if you are reading this and a dog owner you probably have a beautiful, awesome, loving, member of the family, poochie!!  

But the next time you are with your poochie in public and you approach someone who really is not into dogs – just WALK AWAY!! 

Hot Wife doesn’t like dogs.  Did you think I was just going to mention her related to leg humping??   And I cannot tell you the number of times she stops in her tracks and says,

“I really don’t like dogs”  when someone is approaching her.

And of course the dogs human companion has to say something like,

“He is really kind”

“She is so gentle and sweet”

“He won’t bite and just wants to say hello”

And lets not forget that the voice used by said human companion has to be the same voice we all have used the first time we meet a newborn baby. You know the voice!!

And it amazes Hot Wife the number of times people are just appalled that she doesn’t like their dog!!  Things really escalate when someone has a dog in a restaurant.  Dog laying there licking his sack while you try to enjoy avocado toast and drink a latte.  Spaghetti and meatballs might be ok at that moment, but appetizing food choices can be tough in that situation.

And it is always comforting when the kitchen staff comes out to say hello to their favorite customer’s dog.  They get on the floor, roll around with the dog, let the dog lick their hands and face – and you know they are not washing their hands when they return to the kitchen!!!

And this is not really about Pets in general. Just Dogs. You don’t see people with Cats in strollers, in grocery stores, on airplanes, in front car seats, rear truck seats, hotel rooms, restaurants, cafes, c-stores…I could go on and on.  

Maybe it’s the whole “Man’s best Friend” thing.  Speaking of which you ever wonder why this phrase made it through last several years of binary, non binary, transitioning, gender doesn’t match the plumbing mentality??  I can’t imagine trying to figure out how to settle one “________’s best Friend” in these gender confusing times.   I will pass on this as  I think a whole book could be written on this topic.